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07:57pm 02/05/2005
  Quote of the day: (Spoken not 15 minutes after attempting to jump from a swiftly moving vehicle in the dark, drunk)

"What do you mean grow up? Of all my friends, of all the people my age I've ever known, I'm the most grown up - my head is the most screwed on."

Reality seems such a different thing to those with penii between their legs.

* * * *

My husband wants a childhood because he never got one - because his dad's a deadbeat, his mum's a lesbian who let abusive partners into the house, and his brother's a spastic. Apparently this means he is unable to *insert mundane task here*. It seems the less he does the more I compensate in return, and I end up feeling like a mum. Which is no good for the bed side of things, which makes him feel ripped off and unloved, which makes me feel ripped off and unrespected, blah blah blah.

I'm not sure if I'm broken or if he's broken or if we just stopped communicating somewhere along the line, or if we were just wrong to begin with and are only just waking up to the fact. Neither of us wants to change the way we behave, we say we're "trying" but in reality we're just whingeing about what's wrong instead of concentrating on what's right and what works.

He wants space. Well, he said last night he'd like to run away for a while. Today is not so bad, but we'll see. My guess is if he takes off for a 'breather' during which he can be self indulgent and irresponsible and all those nasty things, I won't be waiting around. I'll be skipping town so no one knows I failed, changing my name back and moving on to spinsterhood.

Married five months and already talking about the end... My heart is breaking in a very vacant type of way.

My kingdom for a time machine!

* * * *

*eg. shave, buy shampoo, get a license, lodge a tax return, the list goes on.
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The course of true love... 
03:43pm 01/04/2005
mood: pained
Day 1

They worked in silence. In any other situation, it would have been a scene of domestic harmony, lovers folding sheets and clearing up space. But today it was different. There was something stiff and awkward in the way they avoided looking at each other. Their actions were mechanical - something to do while the brain stayed numbed and unthinking. It was necessary for safety, sanity, indeed survival, that thoughts should not come flocking in.

Silence grew like toadstools as they continued with their work - the habitual flicking of the wrist to take the folds in, the deft bending to pick up stray books that had wandered off on new tales in the course of the day, the quick tucking of corners and arranging of the cushions- getting the house ready for the guests who were expected to arrive in another couple of hours.
because tales run so longCollapse )
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Fight - A poem 
11:22am 09/02/2005
mood: happy
I don't think we have ever had any poetry around here. Here is one about a recent fight that I've had. Do let me know if it makes any sense to you.


You stand silent.
I sense conspiracies.
I am tentative fingers.
You feel your eyes gouged.

You look over my shoulder.
I see rejection.
I let a tear jut out.
You think of sun backed crocodiles.

You crack your knuckles.
I hear betrayal knocking against my ribs.
I claw at passing shivers.
Yo smell summer malarial rivers.

You draw doodles in thin air.
I read a threnody.
I offer: "You and Me."
You pause at the wrong grammar.

You sit, arms outstretched.
I finger a crown of thorns on my head.
I move to kiss.
You wince at my barbed wire skin.

You hope for a tomorrow.
I stub sibilant toes against time.
I pull back.
You are numbed by the blow.

X-posted to my journal and at ariascorner
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09:02pm 28/01/2005
  i believe there will be a fight tonight. it's going to happen. i know it.

but. before. i would like anyones advice.
or perhaps talk myself out of it.(fight prevention. i would like to call it.)

i was typing in a routine web address on my boyfriends laptop. i pressed "l" and you know how your browser will 'fill in the blanks' and bring up a bunch of previously viewed sites. well. his did. and it was the name of a particular online dating service. and a bunch of ladies names in each string. great. crap. so.

one - is this an invasion of his privacy? (he lets me use his computer for internet purposes).
two - should i be concerned?
three - is being a memeber of an online dating service "cheating"
and if so
four - should i confront him about it?

i feel sickish.
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"What happened last night" 
05:19pm 20/01/2005
mood: annoyed
name: emily

age: 22

nationality: polish

why am i here?: i came across this community in another community. accidentally finding the something i was really looking for. am i making any sense? basically. my boyfriend and i fight. all the time. sometimes i don't even know that we're fighting. it's frustrating. and it's nice to know that there are other people out there that are in relationships. fighting. and don't think i'm crazy for sticking around in the morning. because sometimes it's just worth fighting for. love's worth fighting for.

what happened last night: here's what happened....

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He drives me crazy sometimes! 
10:47am 03/11/2004
  Okay, I've been officially going out with my significant other for about a month now. For some reason, things just hit off extremely well between us, which is a big deal cuz' neither of us have really hit it off well with anybody for years now. We've got a lot in common, but not too much in common if that makes any sense. He's sweet, he's considerate, he's affectionate, he's open he makes me feel beautiful and comfortable. He's pretty much everything I've always wanted in a guy. Now here is where it gets fun. A lot of days I only get to call him and not see him. He works a lot and so do I. So we can really only talk/see eachother late at night. Well he likes my voice, it relaxes him. Which sounds cute and all but I think it relaxes him too much if that makes any sense at all. He'll end up falling asleep on the phone! Or he won't be listening to what I'm saying really and he won't respond and it drives me nuts! He does this all the time he just goes totally quiet and I'll try to get his attention by shouting or anything I can do to make him pay attention or wake up! So last night, this happened (again) and I just said screw it after several attempts to get him to wake up or get out of la la land and just hung up. Well he calls back about 6 or 7 minutes later. He asks why I hung up. I told him cuz' he wasn't talking and he wasn't listening to me. I hate not being listened to. And really am I that boring that he'll fall asleep? So he told me he fell asleep and I said yeah I know. And he said "You're mad at me." I said "I'm not mad I'm just frustrated. You always do this." And he proceeded to explain to me how he's just that way and that he gets comfortable and falls asleep. Well that's all good and nice but god you'd think he'd be trying to stay awake. So after he explained this I was just like "okay that's fine" and he just kept freaking out saying I was mad at him and he was sorry and I said I wasn't mad. And he said "Well you're upset. You said you were frustrated with me." And proceeded to apologize again. And said he'd make it up to me. So I was like okay you're forgiven and continued to talk. Now I wouldn't think much of this you know cuz' I'd figure he'd know better from now on right? NO! He fell asleep again! Not a half hour after this fight. And like I said before he always does this! It's not just last night! What I'm kind of curious about is what does this mean? I mean this has got to be a sign of how this relationship is going to go. I really really like him. I adore him. But I can't stand this! It's got to stop! I just want him to make the effort to stay awake and listen. Or if he's that tired just tell me and I'll let him go to bed it's not gonna hurt my feelings I swear!

Okay that's enough of that. Please give feedback on your opinion of this.
06:26pm 23/10/2004
mood: melancholy
Why does everything have to break all at once. Why can't the angry things just wait their turn? One at a time! There are things that make me want to scream.. things like.. just about everything. And each of these things has nothing to do with the next. Nobody's perfect.. not even the one who writes this text. I just want to set the world on fire. Watch the pertty colours rise from the blaze.
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07:31pm 14/10/2004
mood: calm
After a long night we lay still in our queen size bed. But where was the queen? I love how much bigger than me he is. I love curling up into him and feeling so safe and protected. Even moreso, I love when he curls up into a tiny version of himself and takes comfort in my arms. His head on my chest, our warmths soothing eachother, my heart beating a lullaby into his right ear, it was bliss. I lay there thinking these wonderful things and just taking in this beautiful moment until I could no longer keep it to myself. "I love having you in my arms", I crooned. He responded with a quick "Me too" followed by a "You know whats sad?" I pondered for a second, but realized that I didn't know what was sad.. I felt too good at the moment, so I would let him tell me. We so rarely have meaningful conversations anymore, I thought, this is good. "What?" I inquired. His answer involved something video game related. The computer game he had been playing all night while I yearned for him to be in my arms. Now, finally having him in my arms, he was still in a make believe far away land, more removed from me than I could ever imagine. Silent heartbreak. I tried to let it pass me by. I strained to keep the embrace.. but I couldn't make myself do it. First my right arm fell off of his body, then the second. Now I was no longer holding him, he was simply resting on top of me. More silent minutes passed. I was in agony. And as all this pain surged through me, he was gently slipping off into sleepy slumber land, I could hear his breaths getting longer. When I could take no more, I gently made a swift move away from and to the side of him, unintentionally stirring this creature. His arms captured me once again as he mumbled, "Why did you move away? I was talking to you..." -I was confused.. all I had been hearing was silence- "...in my head." And the betrayed anger and sadness dissipated. How could he say such sweet things when he's not even fully awake. I accepted his embrace, "What were we talking about?" I asked. "Just silly made up things", he explained. And my blissful smile returned, "You should have said them out loud.. I would love to hear about your silly made up things." And we both fell to sleep.

This is the fight of my life. The one inside my head.
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Right to write (anecdote) 
11:34pm 12/10/2004
mood: bewildered, amused
Tring Tring.
That was the phone.
Tring Tring.
Its the phone again. She buys a jazzy cell phone and then puts in on the most boring ring tone possible.
Tring Tring.
you got the message. I was at the other end of the phone, trying to get her to talk to me.

'Hullo?' She said in the cold polite voice she reserves for insurance salesmen, mechanics and me.

'Hiiiiiiii" I trilled. A good beginning is half the battle and all that.

"oh, its you." I suddenly felt like I was a slug of the lesser kind or something.

"Yes, of course it is me." Perseverance is my middle name.

"Oh well" she resigned. She couldn't deny it. If it was me, it was me I guess, and there was no running away from it.


"Do you want to talk?" I asked after an asterisk ridden silence.

"Talk?" she inquired, still polite, as if she was puffing her words out. On second thoughts, she possibly was smoking and talking anyway.

"Yes, Talk." I was delighted. She had got the message loud and clear. We had both made our arguments and laid it out in the open. We wanted to talk.

"To you?" she asked.

"Of course." I would have thought it was obvious. When both of us are connected through phones, we would have talked. But then, one should be clear and lucid in relationships. Thats the magic of it all, aint it?

"You want me to talk to you?" She insisted. I was thrilled. I always knew she was brilliant and this gift of putting things so precisely.

"Yes...." I almost crooned to her like one of those blasted cuckatoos - or am I thinking Mynahs?

"No!" It sounded like a whip sound.



"What do you mean No?"

"What part of No dont you understand?"

"But why?" I struck a final note of despair.

"Because you don't write to me!" she cold voiced me some more.

"Write to you????" I interrogated with eyebrows so high they almost disappeared. I must have heard it wrong. These dratted cell phones!

"yes. I will now talk to you only after you have written to you. Chiffon (thats her roommate) gets a letter from her boy friend every second day and you don't write to me at all!"

"But but but..." I billy goat butted but there was a silent Click on the other hand.

I live ten minutes away from her. Chiffon is seperated from her boyfriend by 3000 miles. Where is the sense in it?

Oh well, not for me to question. I am here, writing letters about what both of us did all day today because we work in the same place.

Er...any suggestions as to what I should write to her about? I have made some progress. My letter says.. "Dear Biladi...." and what next?
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Cuiosity is trying to kill my cat.. 
08:40am 04/10/2004
mood: mischievous
I think I might be overstepping the community boundaries.. but I was wondering...

Poll #360761 Community Participation

I see that we have a handful of members, yet very little introductions/activity/entries. Why is that?

Simply Shy.
Don't know where to start.
I'm in bliss. No fights to be seen.
Haven't gotten around to it.
I have no excuse, I'll get right on it!

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08:00am 01/10/2004

Name(so that we dont remember you as that member with the lisp or some such thing): AnNa

Age(Lie like hell if you want to): Twenty-One years and a little over a month.

Nationality (I am not going to stalk you. It might help people understand your cultural context): I was born in Poland, but live in Canada and consider myself Canadian since I have resided in Canada for the majority of my life and have enjoyed doing so.

Why am I here? (I didn't have anything else to do is not an acceptable answer): I was interested by the picture that is used as this community's background and once I walked into this wonderland I was instantly captured by Nishant's writing style. I could not walk away and will be willfully entrapped in this world for eternity to come, as I see it.

What happened last night (This is where you write your heart out): "How does silence make things better", I said inside my head, but I could not get the words out into the actual space beyond my skull.. the black hole that filled the silent room was much too over powering. I stared into it until I could no longer keep still. I leaped out of bed and in doing so banged my head on the semi-ceiling-like shelf that hovers above the right side of our bed. It hurt. I swore. He said, "Be careful, I hate to see you hurting, I'll sleep on this side of the bed from now on". And it was done.

BY THE WAY: This journal is actually a journal I made for my pet bird, his name is Smeagol, he is a cockatiel. And no, I'm not a big loser, I just like to keep informed, and use this journal mainly in the cockatiel and parrot_lovers communities. If anyone would like to leap into my mind, and hopefully you'll do it more gently than the leap that has left a large bump on the top of my head, sometimes I write in http://www.deadjournal.com/~heartofpoop though usually my entries are sparse, silly, random, and without a point. Nice to meet everyone. *tips her imaginary hat to you!*

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10:07pm 30/09/2004
mood: amused
It was the most exciting bit ever. The you know who was in the depths of the secret lair and the other you know who had discovered the first you know who in the depths of the secret lair, and had ordered a couple of clowns to go and moon him.

The footsteps thundered down the steps. The air swished with romance. They rushed to the door. And then they stopped. The chief clown, Jester, had his hand on the brass knob that was to turn the destiny of nations. The door creaked open and from the darkness came a voice that chilled them to their funny bones...

"Honey, I am home!" She hushed into the room, to quote from my own poem, like rain not fallen, and took the sunlight filtering from under the curtains by the storm.

"Uh, huh!" I mumbled. A chap needs to pay attention to his gal, eh what?

"I had such a lovely day. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean it was really lovely." She made her message clear. Her opening and her conclusion coincided. She had a lovely day.

"Ummmm" I mumbled with variety. Variety being the spice of life and all that.

For more of the strained strainCollapse )
This is a dramatisation of what I saw happening at a friend's house. Couldn't help fictionalising and putting it up here!

p.s. Need to first thank the new members for joining me in the community...Would be good if you could all introduce yourself using the form on the info page.

And if it is not asking for too much, could you help me in promoting the community around? Tell your friends, tell your acquaintances...If you like living dangerously, what the heck, tell your partners! :)

Get Firefox!
What happened last night... 
12:38am 28/09/2004
mood: expectant
Name(so that we dont remember you as that member with the lisp or some such thing):Nishant

Age(Lie like hell if you want to): 24

Nationality (I am not going to stalk you. It might help people understand your cultural context):Indian. Not to be confused with American Indians like dear old Columbus.

Why am I here? (I didn't have anything else to do is not an acceptable answer): Because increasingly I thought I needed a space that wasnt just my personal blog where people more or less knew me...because I thought it would be good to meet up with people who can cut the mush and still talk about the relationships they have. Because I thought it would be a good idea to talk about the darker side of relationships...my style is exaggerated and flippant..but scratch at the words and you will know the problem...or so I would like to believe.
What happened last night...Collapse )
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Welcome post... 
10:57pm 27/09/2004
mood: expectant
So now we wait (all the three of us, I, Me and Myself) hoping for gossip, scandal, love lorn laments, timeless classics, anecdotes, jokes...anything in your life that you deem interesting enough to share with the world!

Bated breath
Bated breath...

Oh come on...hurry up all ye in love....let us start yapping right now! :)