After a long night we lay still in our queen size bed. But where was the queen? I love how much bigger than me he is. I love curling up into him and feeling so safe and protected. Even moreso, I love when he curls up into a tiny version of himself and takes comfort in my arms. His head on my chest, our warmths soothing eachother, my heart beating a lullaby into his right ear, it was bliss. I lay there thinking these wonderful things and just taking in this beautiful moment until I could no longer keep it to myself. "I love having you in my arms", I crooned. He responded with a quick "Me too" followed by a "You know whats sad?" I pondered for a second, but realized that I didn't know what was sad.. I felt too good at the moment, so I would let him tell me. We so rarely have meaningful conversations anymore, I thought, this is good. "What?" I inquired. His answer involved something video game related. The computer game he had been playing all night while I yearned for him to be in my arms. Now, finally having him in my arms, he was still in a make believe far away land, more removed from me than I could ever imagine. Silent heartbreak. I tried to let it pass me by. I strained to keep the embrace.. but I couldn't make myself do it. First my right arm fell off of his body, then the second. Now I was no longer holding him, he was simply resting on top of me. More silent minutes passed. I was in agony. And as all this pain surged through me, he was gently slipping off into sleepy slumber land, I could hear his breaths getting longer. When I could take no more, I gently made a swift move away from and to the side of him, unintentionally stirring this creature. His arms captured me once again as he mumbled, "Why did you move away? I was talking to you..." -I was confused.. all I had been hearing was silence- "...in my head." And the betrayed anger and sadness dissipated. How could he say such sweet things when he's not even fully awake. I accepted his embrace, "What were we talking about?" I asked. "Just silly made up things", he explained. And my blissful smile returned, "You should have said them out loud.. I would love to hear about your silly made up things." And we both fell to sleep.
This is the fight of my life. The one inside my head.